Thursday 31 October 2013

is your god really God?

A question asked by the post-hardcore band As Cities Burn in their song "Clouds."

My mind and spirit have stumbled upon a realization: I don't completely trust anybody's interpretation of God. It's like I can't help but feel uncomfortable every time I witness the theology of others. Then again, I don't seem to trust that many things. Can a misconception of God cause somebody to go to Hell? Personally, I don't submit to a particular type of theology (Calvinism, Arminianism, Prosperity Gospel, etc). To be honest, I don't actually know that much about theology in the first place. It's a subject that interests me, but I don't care about a label as much as I care about really following Jesus, and really knowing God. That is what I am after - at least, that's what I think I want to be after. I sure hope that's what I'm after. I don't care about following Jesus and knowing God as much as I should - I'm not even close to reaching those goals. I need to work on that. Or should I say - God needs to work through me, on his timing of course. God are you already working through me? Is there something in my life that is obstructing you from working through me? May I understand and grasp the teachings of Jesus. May I be the part you intend me to be in the body of Christ. May I take time to care for my soul. May I know you for who you truly are - even if it scares me, even if I don't naturally like it.

If people cannot gain salvation through actions, does that also mean they cannot lose salvation through actions?

Then again, what exactly is salvation? Would salvation exist without Heaven? Or would Heaven exist without salvation? What is Heaven? Yes, I think that Heaven would exist without salvation offered to humans. Heaven is God's home. But I am not God, so we'll leave that as a mystery for now.

I've also observed that I'm more worried about other people living "the good life" than I am about living "the good life" for myself. May my vain intentions be damned.

Except ... I don't want to let go of my vain intentions! I like some of them - they feel GOOD to me. Looks like I'm using the humanistic and secular definition of "good" though, hey?

Who is god to me? Who is god to you? Who is GOD?

Sunday 27 October 2013

Innocence

The sirens ring inside our ears
The burden weighs upon our hearts
Your whispers only make it louder
The scene outside is dark

Blue and red shine overhead
while the liar runs away
It's sad that I can't stop
that I can't stop her feigning

The car drives you off
into the blackness of the night
Your face is lit with lights
but your spirit remains dim

You're taken into freedom
yet the car looks like a hearse

For every free person
There is a slave

How can I be free
when I am a slave to freedom?

I never lost my innocence
because I had none to begin with

Thursday 24 October 2013

The Devil and the Wind


This post will be focusing on the idea of individualism. In this case, I am referring to the following definition: individual character, individuality. I will be arguing that such a thing does not really exist.

(sigh) I actually do not feel as though I can write. Could it be that I am mentally tired? Could it be that I do not care to expand upon this topic at the given moment? A ---> B.

If I were to be truly individual, I would not have traits such as emotions, feelings, sight, other senses. I would not be tired right now. Why? I did not create those parts. They came from other places. Those parts make me out to be WHO I AM (at a superficial level). I am an infrastructure of remnants from the past. It is history crawling toward the end. I did not start, I came later, I am here now, I have not finished. If you are reading, you have not finished. If I was truly an individual, I would not have a connection with anything external. So, who would I be if I was truly individual? I would be nothing.

Individualism is like chasing after wind. No, it is not. Rather, it is like chasing after the fallen leaves from the tree of life - which have been scattered by the wind. It is like finding the letters of God scattered in the streets, grasping the letters with your two hands, and claiming that you composed the written works. You did not write those letters! Oh, to find what falls from the tree of life, and what falls from the tree of death. Maybe God is the stillness, and the Devil is the wind?

Original artwork done by Alex Pardee for the album "In Love and Death" by The Used. This image looks slightly different than the original though. Hmmmm ... sorry, looks like I can't give proper credit.

Wednesday 23 October 2013

It's as if one of the only ways we can explain things is by saying more and more words. But words are nothing without definitions. And definitions are nothing without something to evoke their personal meanings. Is there anything more personal than words, letters, numbers? Something more personal than language, images, sounds, tastes, scents, feelings? What meaning rests behind these mechanical operations?

Sunday 20 October 2013

The Betrayer

I'm pressing on while I'm falsifying love
It's a word everyone's heard
But nobody really knows its depth

Love and hate lay underneath
the skin of the blamed

And I will beg for your mercy
because I know you have it all

And I will tell you everything
because I need your love

I'm stepping back while I'm drowning in my hate
It's a word which became a world
and everybody's seen it

Love and hate go above
the sins of the shamed

And I will beg for your mercy
because I have none at all

To see tears run down your face
it made my body shake
and yet I felt happy
because you cared

I was pathetic
I was selfish
I am still pathetic
I am still selfish

My lust used your love
and left us both shivering

And for that I'm sorry
I'm sorry I made you cry
I'm sorry I was so selfish

I was never looking for love
I was only looking for admiration

Saturday 19 October 2013

FICTION

I hope that you're all happy. Yes, all of you. Thanks for subjecting me to scrutinize literature from the 1600s - not to mention fictitious literature. I can't say that I understand the benefit of all this. Why should we be so concerned with fiction? Fake people, fake lives, fake places. There are real lives to live, real places to visit, real people to meet. I'm especially surprised that I'm being assigned this, considering this progressive culture we live in (hope you can see my sarcasm, as I don't really see a lot of worthwhile progress being made). Shut up Graham, you're not doing anything to help either. Dear mind, you are correct. Why must I be so agitated by inanimate objects, like books? Because I have to find paths within the mind that can lead me to the goals. But I can't find the paths - it's too foggy! I'm too tired. My brain can't take many more steps. Oh, how I want some euphoria! A piece of me is missing which I desire to have at the moment. Maybe not a piece of me, but a piece which was implanted by an external force inside of me, which is now absent. Yes, that's what it is. (sigh) I actually kind of miss when I didn't correct myself on what I was saying all of the time.  What's the point of unraveling when I'm left empty handed? What's the point if I don't even know what this external force is? Something in me says it's God. Honestly, it seems as though life is spent taking guesses at who God is. I actually want to see who God is, I think? Can I just see it already? How can something finite like a human find something which is infinite? You don't become more strong the more you endure pain. At least, you don't gain absolute strength. Until somebody finds absolute strength, I don't really care about gradually gaining more strength. Why should I even gain more when I can't have it all? Am I selfish for asking that? I just want the truth, instead of a myth for once.

Wednesday 16 October 2013

The Burden of the Mind


















Knowledge contains no ledge which man can climb onto
It is a plateau disguised as progress
Adam and Eve rest among the ides,
simply caught in between

She May come to March
July was jealous of October's eyes
There were 15 sins for every victory,
and 13 stomachs for all the food we ate (eight)

Every unraveling begins with a knot
The more I find,
the more disoriented I become
It's the burden of the mind

Saturday 12 October 2013

Apart

Has every prayer turned to greed?
Are you really apart from God?
Or is the facade simply a part of you?
Completely apart, or under an impression
that says "God is not completeness"

Sleep awakens the silent parts inside
Every branch of knowledge
contains the fruit of something evil

You are alone
and there is nobody
There is no sky above,
there is no ground below
You have not an ear to hear

Who would you be
if you were truly all alone?

Thursday 10 October 2013

The Cynic

It's easier to become what you don't want to become, and more difficult to not become what you want to become (Romans 7:21-25). It was only months ago, not even a year ago, that I put so much care into my identity. It was almost like an out of body experience when I reflect upon it. I was sitting inside a workshop where the walls were adorned with expectations, and selfish pleasures. I still care about who I am, but I don't care so much about my identity in and of itself. I'm practically on the other side of where I was! Is it the right place to be? Oh God, I hope it is. It's easier to be where I was than where I am now - so I think.

Getting back to the subject of pleasure, there is of course a greater temptation to bask in sadness if you ignore what pleases your physical body. But the goal of my life shouldn't be to satisfy every bodily craving should it? People hurt and kill God's creation just for the sake of personal satisfaction - that's not good is it? Personal satisfactions are not good in and of themselves, and they are not wrong in and of themselves. What do I desire and why do I desire it? Who, apart from myself, do my desires affect? What do my desires affect?

I have a soul to find that's buried deep inside of me. I have a God to find. I must connect to the Spirit - the one, true Spirit. How can I trust initial sights and opinions when I live in a post-Christian culture?

Well, that sure shifted quickly! I started writing with a numb feeling, which then progressed into a euphoric feeling, and now I'm ending with a feeling of defeat inside of me.

Sunday 6 October 2013

It Would be Easy

It has been five months since my feet were last planted on the grounds of Thetis Island. It would be easy to say that I miss the island. It would be easier to say that I miss the people. It would be easy to excuse the idea that I miss both the island and the people. Do I miss the island and the people? Absolutely - but I don't say that without some hesitation. Honestly, I am very saddened that I don't get to see some of the people there anymore. I miss Telegraph Harbour Marina, I miss the shores, I miss that strange tree that grew out of the ground horizontally to form a path of sorts. By missing these things, does that mean that they are my idols? Why do I miss these things in the first place? I believe that I miss them because God worked through the people I met on that island. Here is a reworded quote (since I don't remember the exact quote) from Joel Childs: "You realize how much they [the people] cared about you, and you realize that you also cared about them." Maybe God isn't so difficult to find. Maybe I only attach his existence to things I used to have - things I didn't realize he was even working through at the time. Oh, how I have such trouble embracing the present.

Friday 4 October 2013

Who Are We?

I do not sense as though I amount to anything - that is, myself in and of itself.

Psalm 113 says:

For You formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

I'm sure that a lot of people find gladness when they read this passage. To know that you were formed by the one Holy God should make you feel good about yourself, right?

Did God give a soul to every body? Does he form each physical body? Does he only form the soul of those who embrace him? Is our conscience a part of the soul?

Does anything come into existence from humanity in and of itself? Is there anything that's really "ours to own?" Of course, a lot of things come through humanity, but what is humanity in and of itself?

I've come to believe (and be saddened by) this idea: the only true creators are God and the Devil. One might argue against this idea and say: "Well, what about all of the paintings, the music, the films, which have been created by humans over the years?" The art in and of itself may have been created with human hands, but where did those hands come from? Where did the idea of mixing sounds, and paints, and visuals together come from? How did you obtain your senses to create art, and interpret art? What message are you communicating through your hands? What exactly are you saying with your mouth (and especially your heart)? What are your visuals portraying? Why do you want your audio or visuals to portray that? Will your art affect the human soul in any way? Are you only selfish and begging for attention?

If in fact God and the Devil are the only two creators, than that's my problem. IT MAKES ME FEEL WORTHLESS. Wouldn't that just make me a partial God and occasional Devil? Is this what humility among humanity feels like? Why can't I just be me? Is the idea of "being truly unique" only a facade? Who are we as people? What are we?



(Drawing created by: rusel1989.deviantart.com)

Tuesday 1 October 2013

A Place Between Light and Darkness


"A Place Between Light and Darkness" releases today. This is the first official music project of mine that is not Dalama Jones. Here are the download links:

AUDIO: includes the music, lyrics, and a personal journal from myself

VISUALS: includes album cover, pictures, videos