Monday 30 September 2013

Look At You

It wasn't until I looked at you
that I wondered "how do I look at myself?"
I bury hope in the back of my mind
Lusting over the chance that someone else will find
what I've been looking for my entire life

I'm left wondering "where in Hell is Heaven now?"
And then I look down at my feet
and I can see the ground

I hold patience inside of these closed fists
as I look toward the sky
Emotions are a void and a vice
Avoid its advice and find true delight

God knocks at the door
while Hell is left screaming underneath the floor

Don't compose a definition for life
but let life itself compose you

I'm left wondering "where in Hell is Heaven now?"
And then I look down at my feet
and I can see the ground
and I remember that I'm still walking home

I remember that I'm still walking home

Sunday 29 September 2013

Wonderful

I'm constantly searching for some spiritual, esoteric treasure. A part of me is so very driven to find that. But, will I ever be able to find this gorgeous treasure, if I can't even imagine anything as being truly wonderful?

Friday 27 September 2013

Rest In Torment

I sense as though I am unable to express myself through personally composed poetry, so I will use the following piece of music to express those feelings for me. That being said, this song is not a completely accurate depiction of my mourning. In certain ways, I can relate to it though. The main subject within R.I.T. by The Devil Wears Prada is suicide, but it also includes sub-themes such as: self-deprecation, loneliness, depression, etc. I am not in a suicidal situation, but I personally struggle with things like self-deprecation and depression. When I am lonely, it's usually my own fault. I am in a place of life (and have been for the past 3.5 years) where I am very introverted. I don't consider that trait as something God-given, or God-rebelling exactly, but it's where I'm at right now. I don't exactly like being with people, and I don't exactly like being by myself. Most times, I wish that I were somewhere else. I'm constantly looking for contentment, but I can't seem to hold onto it for all that long. Anyway, I would say that I especially struggle with self-deprecation. It is such a bad habit to fall into, but I'm trying to climb out. I've been wondering to myself: "it must be really bothersome to the people around me?" Therefore, I am trying to stop. It's not healthy for others, it's not healthy for me, so it's time to lay it to rest.

The Devil Wears Prada - R.I.T.

Turn your back now: lose yourself in hesitation.
Dancing, dancing, always dancing, and staring at the floor.
The sun came out just long enough to go down.

She shows the symptoms of being my suicide.
I’m holding you to blame for this. I won’t stop selling myself short.
The broken windows: all of the glass. Knife in my hand: the questions I've asked.
I dream about her more nights than not. I can’t drown this away. (I can’t drown this away)

With every single move that you make, you come closer to breaking me.
With every single breath that I take, you push further from helping me (but you can’t, you can’t).
I’m pulling the weight again. With every single move that you make, I come closer to ending me.

I blame myself, and it’s not the first time. You see me for what I am: damaged.
Turn your back now: I will bask in the blackness of my darkest days.

With every single move that you make, you come closer to breaking me.
With every single breath that I take, you push further from helping me
(but you can’t, you can’t, you can’t, you can’t).
I’m pulling the weight again. With every single move that you make,
I come closer to ending me. Self-loathing me.

Tuesday 24 September 2013

Sleeptalking

A part of me really likes chasing after answers. Conclusions can be just frightening though. Sometimes it's the dystopia of the mind, and other times it's the utopia. It's either Gotham city (Batman) or Mushroom Kingdom (Super Mario). For the record, I like Spider-Man a lot more than Batman. I've been having some pretty strange dreams lately. I have been just exhausted too, and even sleep for up to two hours in the afternoon. I've never been drunk on alcohol, but I think I feel hung over when I wake up. My emotions are numb, my head hurts, my brain is fuzzy like a lost channel on the television, my body aches. Like I mentioned in an earlier post (http://stiltstoheaven.blogspot.ca/2013/08/reflections-on-sleep.html), sleep reveals to me the profound desires within, and sometimes ones which are more obvious. Sometimes I see such beauty in my dreams, and I want to see that when I'm awake. Occasionally, my dreams include such fun and splendor. It's not always hard for me to see beauty when I'm awake, but I almost always wish that I were somewhere else. I'm really missing some people right now, some people I may never see again. Goodbye is not simply a word, but it is a distance that will leave an impression on you. Some things I desire aren't seen in my waking state or in my sleep, which is twice as disappointing. Lately I have been dreaming about sleeping. What makes my waking state any more real than my sleeping state? I am too eager. I'm either an eager Giant Sloth or an eager Giant Hamster.












Monday 23 September 2013

Veils

Bride of Christ, Christ the Groom, Church the Bride, veil covers face, veil keeps vision from being clear, yet the Church must keep on walking down the aisle toward God. Life is like a cathedral.

Sunday 22 September 2013

Musical Gems from 2013

Most of these weren't even released in 2013, but I've enjoyed listening to these albums this year. 

1. MC Forty & Clutch - Sleeping Showers

This is an artistic Hip-Hop record, in which the main lyrical theme is depression. It's emotional, odd, and very personal. Musically speaking, I can't compare it to any other album - definitely not a carbon copy. Check out: Goodnightrous, Double Dope, Don't Fear the Unknown


You can download the album for free on Bandcamp:

http://mcforty.com/album/sleeping-showers



2. Silverstein - Discovering the Waterfront


This will remind you why you used to love or hate emo music. It took some time for Silverstein to grow on me, but now I enjoy their music quite a lot! Best songs: The Ides of March, Discovering the Waterfront, My Heroine, Three Hours Back




3. Kendrick Lamar - good kid, m.A.A.d city


This is a dark and graphic album that focuses on issues such as: alcohol / drug abuse, gang violence, and prostitution, among other topics. The main theme is fighting against the evil that the world offers us, and searching for something better. Favorite song: Sing About Me, I'm Dying of Thirst




4. AFI - Sing the Sorrow


My friend Chad got me into this band (I hope you read this, by the way). AFI is a band that sets well composed, profound poetry to catchy, aggressive, emotional music. Davey Havok has a killer set of lungs. Favorite songs: Dancing Through Sunday, Girl's Not Grey, The Leaving Song, ...But Home is Nowhere




5. Anathallo - Canopy Glow


I wasn't sure how this album would compare to Floating World, but I like this one even more. Anathallo is my favourite Folk / Indie band. Favorite joints: The River, Cafetorium, All the First Pages




6. Good Charlotte - The Chronicles of Life and Death


You can make fun of Good Charlotte all you want, but I'll still like them. This album has a Pop Punk sound that could only come from 2004. The lyrics revolve around: suicide, pressure that's evoked by the media, relationships, and putting faith in God despite dark times (along with other subjects). My favorite songs: SOS, Predictable, Secrets, The Truth, We Believe




7. AFI - Decemberunderground


This album is quite a bit different than Sing the Sorrow, but it's still very enjoyable. It has more experimental, electronic elements. I'd also say it's more catchy, and that it contains more of a Pop feel to it. It's not all Pop though, as it still has those Post-Hardcore / Punk vibes that their past material had. Best tracks (and no, I'm not including the single Miss Murder): Summer Shudder, The Interview, The Killing Lights  




8. Number One Gun - The North Pole Project


This album is a masterpiece. Jeff Schneeweis wrote, performed, recorded, and produced the entire album by himself (minus the scarce amount of guest vocals / musicianship / whatever). It's most obvious that he's skilled as a vocalist, but his drum work, programming, production, and guitar work are all well executed (among other musical qualities that I may have missed). Listen to: Million, Wake Me Up, The Different Ones, This Holiday


Initial Conclusions

The concluding goodness is often reached after initial problems or suffering. If we didn't experience problematic situations, would we recognize or feel the goodness? Is obtaining that goodness worth the problems we go through to reach it? 

Saturday 21 September 2013

Friday 20 September 2013

The Absence

Oxygen flows from my lungs, 
but my soul stands still.
Does my soul stand at all,
or is it only buried beneath a grave?


My heart weeps for you!
I know you're somewhere,
but that doesn't mean you're here.


I'll come running through the graveyard
just to feel the warmth of a memory.

So distant from the moon,
yet somehow, it's God's glow.


I'll lay myself down on the dead grass,

and forget the brightest shades of green.

Why can't I see you?
Does my absence hurt you?







Thursday 19 September 2013

When the Bravest Lions Shy Away

For my Philosophy class in university, I was assigned to read Euthyphro by Plato. I have quite a few notes written which relate to this selection (some personal, some from the professor), and the goal of this post is to elaborate on a few of the ideas which are suggested in this text.

Is it wrong that Socrates upsets me? Is it wrong that I think he is an advocate of circular logic? It appears as though he desires absolute truth, but no answer seems to be sufficient for him. He asks questions, but I’m not so sure if he truly wants to find any answers. Did he really want to make conclusions? Did he only want to be right? He's just like me! Or maybe, I'm just like him. I mean, he did come and go before me (469 / 470 BC - 399 BC). And maybe that’s why I don’t like him? After all, an individual arguably has more conflict with themselves, than with any other person / group.

Here is one of the main conflicts within the text: is it pious of Euthyphro to prosecute his father for murdering a murderer? Euthyphro believes that it is, but Socrates is undecided on the matter. Socrates says to Euthyphro "Tell me, then, what is piety, and what is impiety?" 

From that point on, their discussion becomes quite circular. 

The following quote is not taken from the written selection Euthyphro, but it is an outside statement which was said by Socrates: "The unexamined life is not worth living." But dearest Socrates, is the examined life worth living if you won't accept any answers? What's the purpose in searching if you aren't finding? This man must know how I feel. No matter how hard you try to find something worth holding onto, you always seem to return to that state of feeling empty handed.

Okay, that's as much as I can write about this. I simply cannot write anymore. I'll save my breath for the essays. I've been working on this for days.

I will now conclude with a couple of questions. Would Socrates have been obstructed from recognizing good morals without The Bible or Jesus Christ on earth? Where did the ancient Greek gods get their morals from?

Wednesday 18 September 2013

Is Sight Trustworthy?

The following quote is an excerpt from the psychology textbook that I'm reading for university. "Scientists do not accept ideas on faith or authority, their motto is "Show me!"  This post is not meant to discredit or be rude toward scientists, but its intention is to challenge this idea.

Faith has numerous definitions: 

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability

2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact

3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims

4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty

5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith 

This logic may be fighting against the second definition of faith, but it still pertains to the first definition listed, which I think means that these "anti-faith scientists" are indeed acting on some form of faith. So what makes that faith better than the second faith?

Sound, sight, smell, touch, taste. I'm sure we could throw some other physical senses in there too though, such as thinking and hearing.

Sure, this logic may succeed in physical, scientific experiments, but is it wise to use this logic in regards to finding the absolute truth (if it does really exist)? Is it worth putting faith into something like sight? I mean, think of how easy it is to lose that ability - think of how easy it is to lose any of those abilities. These are not solid foundations. 

I personally believe that reality can't be confined by our physical senses. I believe that fragments of true reality can be sensed by humans, but that the cause exists somewhere else. All proven, confirmed, factual advancements which have been made on earth were missing for some period of time, yet they were eventually discovered. This must indicate that the cause exists outside of earth. If reality was intrinsic to physicality, specifically to the earth, we would have had it from the beginning. We would know everything; we wouldn't have to be searching for it. This displays that we don't immediately sense everything that exists. If our findings are limited by time, and our senses die with time, than how is it trustworthy to put faith into those senses, in order to find absolute answers?

You may be wondering to yourself "Why did Graham bring up the truth when it wasn't even mentioned in the quote?" Well, you know, I'm not even sure if what I wrote makes sense. I honestly don't exactly understand my own arguments. I guess I just sensed an opportunity to make pro-faith statements. This was fun.

Tuesday 17 September 2013

Why should I be?

I'm just asking questions. These are questions that I don't understand the reasoning to - the reasoning as to why I'm asking them in the first place. I believe that you can ask questions just for the sake of asking questions, but I'm not trying to do that here. I think there's something quite profound about these questions. I'm not trying to complain either.

Why should anybody feel sorry for me?

Why should I feel sorry for anyone?

Why should I be happy when someone out there is happier than I am?

Why should I be sad when someone out there is sadder than I am?

Sunday 15 September 2013

Saturday 14 September 2013

Pure

How does somebody purely witness God? Not confined by physical, emotional, mental limitations? How is it that somebody can witness God, in a form that is completely detached from mortality? Praying involves mental action, not to mention physical action (if the person chooses to pray aloud). Worshiping through music involves emotional action. How does somebody purely witness God through their spiritual senses?



Friday 13 September 2013

Wayward

Dang, this is my third post today. I finally feel some inspiration to write! Maybe it's because I've been reading more lately. 

What have I been reading lately?

1) As You Like It - William Shakespeare
2) Ethics - Oliver A. Johnson / Andrews Reath
3) The Bible - numerous authors
4) Psychology - Carole Wade, Carol Tavris, Deborah Saucier, Lorin Elias

I'm just gonna write random paragraphs. This is chaos. This is anti-English structure. This is messy. Who's to dictate how a person should express their thoughts? Maybe we should worry less about the structure, and more about the content? I suppose that both of those can come into play at the same time though.

This is a representation of humanity. Oh humanity - the child that sits alone on the swing set. When it hits high points while swinging, it feels euphoric; but it comes down so quickly. Why should I act as though I'm the cover page, when I'm just a page torn from the magazine? You know, that magazine waiting in God's room. The magazine of souls, and reality, apart from distracting and tasteless advertisements.

Honestly, I just can't wait for the cooler weather to come. I'm not to judge what the weather should be though, as that is ultimately in God's hands. Why should we even make plans? Why should we anticipate anything physical? Life is not all that predictable, you know. Sure, there are "model lives" set before us, and there are paths of life that have been repeated (to a certain extent). But who is to say which path you will walk on? Who is to say how long the path last? There aren't many promises.

I ask so many questions, but why am I lacking when it comes to answers and solutions?

Wayward.

Can there be variations of an absolute truth?
Which is more frightening? The time and effort it takes to reach an outcome, or the outcome itself?

Wednesday 11 September 2013

The Head and the Straitjacket

It's only September
and I've never felt so cold before
a head of fire
on a dim, quiet morning

My eyes still study
but my head is lost
It's a fear of standing
while my hope of laying is weak

I've never felt so weak
Sleep was my closest escape

I've never felt so weak before
I've never felt so weak before

STILTS Project

My first STILTS project A Place Between Light and Darkness will be released on October first. This will be more than a music project - but I can't give away the details yet. It does include 9 songs though, which I'll list below. The album cover is posted below too.

1. She Came to Paint (2:11)
2. Familiar Shores (3:04)
3. Our Faces (3:04)
4. Headaches (1:31)
5. Ineffable Glow (1:57)
6. It Hurts to be Forgiven (3:34)
7. The Waiting Room (4:37)
8. Seattle Song (0:24)
9. He Sifts Through Sand (2:27)
















Tuesday 10 September 2013

Say nothing

You can only write so much down. You can say nothing. Sometimes it feels better not to speak. It's more than a feeling - sometimes your soul will receive your action with welcoming arms. The tongue can just be evil, and barbaric. To say something, and regret what you said - that hurts. You might even have intentions that weren't vain, but somehow evil comes out. Writing, talking, praying, silence - I just don't feel any hope. How can a human find spiritual hope when we have this predisposition of seeing with our eyes. (Don't worry, I'm not one to argue that predispositions automatically make something morally right) All I'm saying, is that it's so very difficult to seek the things above. Do you have to go through hell to make it to Heaven? What is my valley of the shadow of death? Some would say that "eternal life starts now." But aren't we waiting for The Kingdom? Aren't flaws intrinsic to us? How can this be eternal when I'm hurting God and others? If it is true that "eternal life starts now," than my sins must have eternal consequences to them, in addition to my victories. We can't just attach positives to the world eternal


Sunday 8 September 2013

to Feel Again

I forgot what compassion was, but this evening I could feel again. Three headed dogs can come running out the shadows in this passing, physical life. Why do humans have to hurt so much? Some worse than others. We can't even completely escape it, as it's intrinsic to us. When my feelings are ineffable, I sometimes just need to stare at the ceiling and talk to God. I'm praying for you. I'm hurting for you.


Saturday 7 September 2013

where I used to be

I'm not sure if this will do anything for anybody, but I'll take a shot in the dark. The darkness conceals the gun, but does the gun hide the darkness? Does the responsibility of a gun hide potential misfires? Does the darkness hide the dark connotations attached to the gun? Here is access to some old blogs of mine. I find it interesting looking through archives, so I thought a reader or two would like to do the same.

I updated this blog during my time at Bible college (September 2012-May 2013).
http://grahamgoestocapernwray.blogspot.ca/

I created this blog in Grade 12, and continued posting throughout the summer of 2012.
http://iamsilentmusic.blogspot.ca/

Am I the same person? If so, why haven't I changed?

Am I a new person? If so, why have I changed?

Thursday 5 September 2013

Zombies

Are zombies a mockery of the resurrection of Jesus Christ?

Wednesday 4 September 2013

the Broken

Matthew 9:1-13
Getting into a boat, Jesus crossed over the sea and came to His own city. And they brought to Him a paralytic lying on a bed. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralytic, “Take courage, son; your sins are forgiven.” And some of the scribes said to themselves, “This fellow blasphemes.” And Jesus knowing their thoughts said, “Why are you thinking evil in your hearts? Which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, and walk’? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins”—then He *said to the paralytic, “Get up, pick up your bed and go home.” And he got up and went home. But when the crowds saw this, they were awestruck, and glorified God, who had given such authority to men.

As Jesus went on from there, He saw a man called Matthew, sitting in the tax collector’s booth; and He *said to him,“Follow Me!” And he got up and followed Him.
Then it happened that as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, “Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?” But when Jesus heard this, He said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Some thoughts and questions:

1) It seems as though people were constantly greeting Jesus whenever he made an appearance. Did more people come to Jesus or did Jesus come to more people?

2) “Take courage, son; your sins are forgiven.” - I find it quite interesting and confusing how Jesus would start by telling the man that he was forgiven. It was a physical sickness that was mentioned. I believe that this portrays how spiritual sickness is of eternal importance, while physical sickness is of finite concern.

3) It's odd to me how there were doctors during Jesus' time. When people bring up "the miracle of medicine", I see it as being something that only belongs to more recent centuries / the century that we are currently in. Was there something personal, or something unique within the healing which came through Jesus? Was there healing which was designated to ONLY be done through Jesus? Yes, I think that there was. The crucifixion, which led to the resurrection, which led to the ascension, which led to the opportunity of the Holy Spirit being accepted by those who were broken.

4) Compassion over sacrifice? But what about carrying your cross (Matthew 16:24)?