Friday 28 June 2013

The Confrontation

This is my journey through existentialism; a journey where confusion forms an invasion upon my placement in this world. I am being broken down into pieces. 

That's a cliche way of putting it, I know. (Sigh) What's the point of sounding intricate anyway? Words are simply non-existent symbols that have ideas attached to them. 

There has been a lot going on for me the past while. It's been emotional, it's been physical, it's been mental, it's been spiritual. My eyes are becoming teary as I write this out. God, I've just got to talk to you. 

That's what I'm realizing through these tribulations: how important it is to keep in contact with God. I'm in my wilderness again. I know that I'm hurting, but am I hurting for the right reasons?  I don't want to hurt or disappoint other people. I don't want to let people down. I do both of those though. 

I have so many vain thoughts about others, and I know that these thoughts are not Christ-like, but how can I destroy them? 

The better question: how can God destroy these? But God, will you even destroy these? I thought that more people were like me, and I thought that everybody else's mind worked like mine? 

Don't all humans have condescending thoughts about themselves, and nearly every other person that they've met? I have those thoughts. 

It doesn't make me joyful that I have such evil inside of my mind. It tears me up inside. To struggle with the negativity I have toward other people for the rest of my life: that's a very frightening thought. I'm not all negativity though, and I like certain parts about people. I don't want to be a misanthropist; I want to love other people. 

But what if my love toward people turns into a love for humans over God, and brings me to the point of loving Sin that is found in each and every person? I would say that's something worth being concerned about. 

Christ is the one who loves. He's the one who loves without conditions. I need to focus on Christ. Perhaps I don't even know what love truly is. The Devil and God are raging inside of me. 

Who cares about happiness, what is joy? Where is God's peace, you know, that one that transcends all human understanding? I'm not comfortable inside of my own skin. 

My goal is Heaven, and I know that's the wrong goal. My goal should not be the gifts, but my goal should be The Giver.

Monday 24 June 2013

Metamorphose

I am a butterfly with resurrecting wings. The sky is painted with purple and pink and I am flying. The sky is painted with shades of grey and I am being captured by a net in the hands of a human, where I am torn wing from wing. 

Isn't it shameful how our emotions often times define our spirituality? Or at least, we believe that they define our spirituality.

Maybe if I spent all of my time with people everything would be perfect? Solomon sure seemed to spend a lot of time examining himself though, so I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with introspection.

I am at that reoccurring place again; the place that I did not imagine returning to. It is a place where I return to Agnosticism. It is a place where God does not make sense. It is a place where the arguments of Richard Dawkins appear to be truthful. It is a place where I do not want to use my mind anymore. It is a place where I constantly question superficiality. It is a place where I lack enjoyment. It is a place where I want enjoyment. It is a place where I wonder how much belief & faith I really have. If I was believing, if I was faithful, would these questions be tearing me down in the first place? 

I am admittedly depressed; I am admittedly anxious.

I am a beggar on the streets of the earth. I am begging for the keys to Heaven. My soul begs to see God face to face. I am bored of looking at the shattered pieces of God laying on the sidewalks. (Cult)ure defines us by our interests, our tastes, our clothes, our physical and mental abilities, our occupations. Fashion is not a part of me. Photography is not a part of me. Music is not a part of me. Writing is not a part of me. These are just handfuls of dirt that I toss in the air. It looks pretty against the glaring sun while it's in flight, but it eventually just hits the ground, and gets stepped on by an ongoing movement of people. Born to die. Dust to dust. God, are you a part of me?

Sunday 23 June 2013

self control

It's obscure how the Holy Spirit doesn't evoke self control; at least, not all of the time. The Holy Spirit cannot evoke that because even people who don't know Christ have self control at their disposal. So where does it come from? Self control must come from God, since it is a fruit of the Spirit. Hold on ... fruit of the (Holy) Spirit. Maybe the Holy Spirit is more prevalent than I give credit to? After all, demons are existent outside of those who are possessed.

Self control, self control, self control. It's a psychological blessing of sorts.

Is it a supernatural act of God which comes through the skin of a mere mortal, or does God give humans the choice to use it, regardless of emotions, feelings, etc?

Friday 21 June 2013

Of Mercy and Malice

My head hurts a lot today; it hurts almost everyday, but the pain is worse this Friday. Around 20 minutes ago, I sat myself down not knowing what to write (excluding this part). However, I came to notice one of the many pictures that adorn the walls of my room (actually, it's a page torn out from issue #150 of The Hard Music Magazine).

The picture included the following words at the bottom: "A grudge against someone else is just like a grudge against yourself."

The picture can be seen to the right, although it's only a photo I snapped of the poster, which did not capture the text on the page. 

Definition:
noun
grudge: a feeling of ill will or resentment

I have felt some form of resentment toward everybody I know. That is shameful, but nonetheless it is true. Who do you hold resentment towards? The more time goes on, the more Mercy becomes like a corpse. Our desire is for it to be hidden beneath the anger, the hatred, and the mud of our hearts. Mercy lays beneath the grave of selfishness. 

Matthew 5:43-48 ... You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Tuesday 18 June 2013

LGBT

Please note: this is not intended to personally attack or judge anybody (gay, straight, Christian, non-Christian, etc). I am not the judge; God is the judge. With this article, I am simply documenting the thoughts, questions, observations, and minimal knowledge that I have. Thank you for reading.

Pride Week occurs in Toronto from June 21-30; since this is a yearly event, and since Gay Parades have been happening since 1969, I decided that I would elaborate on the topic of homosexuality (and yes, I am aware that this does not cover the entire spectrum of the LGBT community). Personally, I think that it's important for Christians to take this community into consideration. Not only will I be focusing on homosexuality though, as I will also be talking about heterosexual relationships. 

I noticed an advertisement aimed toward the LGBT community on iTunes today, which was promoting music, TV shows, books and movies. Observing this made me wonder: why don't I see advertisements which promote heterosexual-influenced movies, music, and such? Now, I'm not going to answer that question here, but I think it's worth considering.

Some heterosexuals are quick to say “it’s a choice to be a homosexual”, but did that person choose to be attracted to the opposite sex? At this point in my understanding, my belief is this: some people are naturally attracted toward the same gender, thus having the temptation to act upon that attraction. Do I think that acting upon the temptation is sinful? Yes, I do (Romans 1:26-27).  

Gay relationships are often emphasized as being "the only type of relationships that aren't pure". Are gay relationships wrong in and of themselves? Honestly, I haven't found anything Biblical to support gay relationships, so at this point my belief is that they go against God's intentions. However, I don't think that it's only homosexual relationships that go against God's intentions, as I believe that many heterosexual relationships do as well. Just because it's a straight relationship, doesn't automatically mean that it pleases God. Is there anything directly wrong with a heterosexual relationship? No, I don't believe such as being true (Genesis 2:18). There is so much injustice and evil that takes place between opposite sexes though. This is a bit of a detour, as I won't solely be focusing on heterosexual relationships. At this moment, I will be focusing on social problems, which happen to affect both males and females. Sexual abuse constantly takes place (commonly a man abusing a woman, but not always), lust is socially acceptable, misogyny and misandry have become ubiquitous, men choose to sleep around with women and gain admiration from that, while women can sleep around with men, yet earn the title of "being a slut". If the female is being called a slut, than the male should be called a slut too. The egotistical nature of people is absolutely disgusting, and does not honor God.

Matthew 5:28 ... But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 ... Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.

Not only does 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 mention homosexuals, but it also mentions fornicators and adulterers. But, doesn't every person have thoughts that aren't sexually pure, once they reach a certain age? Is it even possible to be in a pure heterosexual relationship? Where does your romantic attraction come from? Are you responsible enough to truly love another person? Do you even know what love is? Do you recognize all of the damage that has occurred because of relationships? What if you become destructive because of a relationship? What if the other person becomes destructive? Are you only interested in a relationship for what you can get from the other person? In what ways do you think about the person you are attracted to? I think that it's so important to question and examine ourselves.

Many people will say to "follow your heart", but I disagree with that statement.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 ... The heart is more deceitful than all else, and is desperately sick; Who can understand it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds.

Examine your heart, examine your soul, examine your mind, examine your strength.

Sunday 16 June 2013

My Wilderness

Spiritual wilderness: I must be close to such a place. It's where you have that desire toward desiring something again. You can listen to music, you can read from the Bible, you can mix music, but when you're by yourself you have such trouble diminishing that dull pain. When I'm around people, I'm usually more distracted, thus not being so bothered by whatever is irritating me when I'm alone. But surely that doesn't take the problem away. Praying to God or talking to myself? Writing something worthwhile or rejecting what God wants me to say? Is God okay with the music I listen to? Before I gave my life to Christ, I did enjoy music more. That's a sacrifice that hurts me. I used to listen to music for spiritual healing, but now I know that music alone can't mend a soul that's torn apart. Not to say that God cannot communicate through music, but I now understand that music does die away. It is not everlasting. Everything on this earth is truly meaningless in and of itself. Spiritual progress seems so bleak compared to experiencing God in his fullness. Give me more than sacraments, give me more than human interpretation, give me more than this dying body, give me more than these everyday sins I struggle with, give me ... but wait, is that me trying to take the place of God? One can become so distant from loneliness that they forget about God. It is during that time of loneliness when they begin to remember that God actually exists.

Friday 14 June 2013

Buried Between The Pages

My heart is buried
in between these pages
A book composed of memories


My only desire
is to hear your voice again
To hear a whisper


To keep on walking
is to keep on waiting
Am I walking for nothing?


I have yet to find
a peace that lasts
There is no rest


A soul cannot be mended
by the sound of music alone
or by the voice of a singer

A broken heart lusts for beauty
that guitar strings fail to mend
Headphones cannot heal me


This world is not my home

Thursday 13 June 2013

God Isn't Dead

God is dead: this is what an internal part of me says. Everything that needs to be said can be found in the Bible. God is buried between the pages of a book that cannot be understood. Speaking and questioning is utterly pointless. Nobody is making any progress. I am talking with others about the Spirit, but these conversations do not go anywhere. Miracles do not take place anymore. If God even does exist, a mere human being cannot know what he wants them to know. My soul does not necessarily agree with these statements, but these are thoughts that I have had.

The complexity of God goes further than what can be read. And I do not say that to take away from the importance of the Bible, as I want for scripture to be at the center of my beliefs and opinions. Only remnants of God can be found through what I write. God is more than some drug-evoked myth. God does not make sense, because humans do not make sense. I believe that his son Jesus is still alive. I believe that both Jesus and God will never perish. I am not blinded from God even though Jesus has left the earth. God is not dead.

Wednesday 12 June 2013

The Serpent, The Center, The Knowledge




Genesis 3:3 mentions that the tree of knowledge of good and evil is located in the middle of the garden of Eden. As the story goes, this was the tree that God told them not to eat from (Genesis 2:16, 17). Good and evil are obviously opposites. If a person knows both, than they are in between the two, thus holding a placement in the middle. Can you see where I'm going with this? This also reminds me of the verses that talk about being lukewarm. I'd say that I'm a lukewarm person, as I have a tendency to turn away from making choices. My main question is this: am I still not supposed to have a knowledge of evil? Also, what does knowledge of evil exactly entail? Turn on the news: knowledge of evil. Look inside my heart: knowledge of evil. Look inside my mind: knowledge of evil. Look at the lives of others: knowledge of evil. Nothing on this earth is perfect, thus it is flawed, and nothing that's truly Godly would be flawed, would it? So, does this indicate that everything is evil? That's part of why I have trouble enjoying much of anything, because I'm scared that I'm wasting time on these imperfect, evil distractions. Aiming for something above mortality: it sure seems blistering. I'm in this state more often than the one that includes God's peace, and clarity. I think I've been there before; it's something that I can't quite put to words. How is it that God makes us anyway? Does he actually create every person, or is that a misconception? Is God a re-animator of sorts, thus only designing those who are saved? Don't people start out naturally evil? How can we come from God? 

Thursday 6 June 2013

Dalama Jones - Home

Download HOME for free by clicking here.




Tuesday 4 June 2013

To Lay In A Grave

What are you dying for?
Will you lay in a grave
to forget all you heard?
Will you lay in a grave

to escape endless din?

To forget everything you knew
Forgetting that this is all you were


What are you living for?
Will you wake up today
and wait to fall asleep?

Will you wake up today
and wonder what is next?


You don't even love yourself
because you only like yourself


What will you live for?
What will you die for?

Monday 3 June 2013

Jesus, Be My Friend

God, are you my friend? I want to be friends with you. Actually, I shouldn't say want. You know that I'm a wayward soul. I need to be friends with you.


Sunday 2 June 2013

Alone



The doorbell’s ringing loudly
I see my friend alone
He sits down in a chair by the phone
There’s something behind his eyes
He’s wearing a sad disguise
I’ve never seen him so depressed

And he lifts his head,
And this is what he said:

“Where can I go when I’m alone? (It’s hard to know the way)
Where should I turn, How can I discern?
It’s hard to know which way to go.”

The front door opens gently,
Another man appears
He brings the room such joy and cheer
There’s something behind his eyes
A love I can’t describe
The man sits down next to the other

My friend lifts his head,
And this is what he said:

“Where can I go when I’m alone? (It’s hard to know the way)
Where should I turn, How can I discern?
Do you have answers?”

The man starts to say...
“I’ll never leave you all alone
Ill never leave you all alone.”

Forgetting the Trenches

It's bothersome when I have to give up on figuring out certain mental equations. I like to think my way around, and try and ponder my way out of the predicaments inside my mind. I take different angles into consideration, capture altering opinions, make arguments, all for the result of nothing, sometimes. I don't know if I hold many beliefs in actuality, because I don't know what God wants me to believe. "For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God." (1 Corinthians 2:11) Is this inferring that I cannot know God's thoughts in the first place? Well, that's sure disappointing. What is my conscience? Is it truly influenced by the Holy Spirit, or is it influenced by people I admire, those who surround me, Western society in general? Patience Graham, patience. My fear is that I'll never find the answers. How can I forget about these inner trenches and pretend that people aren't trapped inside, and that I'm not trapped inside? I suppose it is said that ignorance is bliss. So the cure to problems, often times, is only a placebo of sorts? Once again, I'm disappointed. My initial idea is that if a thought reoccurs, than it must be coming back to me for some purpose. My brain says okay Graham, you need a new perspective on this. What I struggle with is embracing singular perspectives though. I do not like choosing sides, and a part of me says that there is no answer in the first place ... but I'm still scared that I'll never find the answers. Surprisingly, I somehow find what I'm looking for when I'm not looking for it. I know that I'm eager. Patience Graham, patience. 

Saturday 1 June 2013

She Came to Paint
















She came to paint, but colour’s dead
No aubergine, no sign of red
She wants to talk, but she’s unsound
her words are dust from underground

Who wants to see with open eyes?
Who wants to see your open arms?
Who’s blinded from the answer?

He sifts through sand in search of stones
and thinks that cuts might bleed some hope
but he’s tired of red
and he’s tired of the piercing edge
He’s so alone

She wants to see with open eyes
He wants to see your open arms
they’re blinded from the answer